That is curious indeed

Anyway I think I met him in the sky

When I was a Geisha he was a Samurai

Somehow I understood him when he spoke Thai

- Nicki "they all look alike" Minaj

That's funny...last time I checked, geishas and samurais spoke Japanese.

Beyonce is Not an Ambiturner

To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
Mmmm to the left
-Beyonce, Irreplaceable

Beyonce, in the context of the pop/dance genre (arguably your purview), it really seems like you're just going in circles. That, or you're trying to torture Derek Zoolander.

I realize that the next lyric is "Everything you own in the box to the left." But to the left of what? The front yard you're standing in? Wouldn't that just be the neighbor's yard at some point?

Marques, let me show you how it's done

I hadn't heard Marques Houston's song "Circle" until Steph wrote about it in her last post.

Many things about this song and video perplex me. The hyped-up, twitchy choreography that's better suited for a Missy Elliot song than a ballad. The pelvic-thrusting chair dance sequence at 2:42 that looks like it came straight out of Britney's 2000 Stronger video. The army of gyrating, midriff-baring pianists whose feet never seem to touch the damper pedals. And, of course, the geometric illiteracy of the chorus, which implies that making four rights creates a circle.

I can't do anything to change the video, so I would like to propose an alternative chorus to pull the whole thing together better. I believe my new lyrics both display an accurate understanding of shapes AND provide insight into the disjointed, ADHD-feel of the entire video:

Your love is geometrical

And if it comes back then that's how you know

I got to the stop light then I made 4 rights

Now I'm back where I started and you're back in my life

My heart keeps getting damaged, it's just collateral

So much wasted energy, think I need Adderall

Can somebody help me

Get out of this quadrilateral

There. Much better.

I'm No Geometry Whiz But...

Your love is so political

And if it comes back then that's how you know

I got to the stop light then I made 4 rights

Now I'm back where I started and you're back in my life

The further I go the closer I get back to you

I say I moved on till I'm reminded of you

Can somebody help me

Help me get out of this circle.

-Marques Houston

(yes, yes the guy that played Roger on Sister Sister)

This part of the song happens to be the chorus, which means it is repeated over and over and bothers me every time. If you're in a circle, you can't make 4 rights. You would simply be traveling continuously in one direction. In order to make 4 rights you need to be in a square or rectangle or some other sort of angular quadrilateral. How about correcting this glaring and physically impossible lyrical flaw with something like "Help me get out of this trapezoid"? That way the lyrics actually make sense while especially conveying the feeling of being stuck or trapped, if you will. The love Marques sings about may be political, but mathematical? Eh, not so much.

The Realest Blog I Ever Wrote

Young Jeezy is immune to writer's block, fears of inadequacy, and falsity. You'd think maybe some of his rhymes aren't quite his best work, or maybe he has an off day every now and then. But no, Young Jeezy and every one of his verses is the realest.

Put On
"Blowin' on asparagus, the realest shit I ever smoked
Ridin' to that Trap or Die, the realest shit I ever wrote"

Unforgettable
"This might just be my realest flow ever
Ask your girl I'm the realest n***a she been around"

My President
"This be the realest shit I ever wrote,
I ain't write this shit by the way*,
some real shit right here,
This will be the realest shit you ever quote"


For Real.


*But then...wait...what?

So That's Where Tupac Went!

Tupac's birthday was yesterday and, like Elvis, many people refuse to believe that he's really dead. Well, they just might be on to something. In the song Don't Die Lil Wayne lets us in on a huge secret:

"Gangstas don't die, they get chubby and they move to Miami"

So you mean to tell me that Pac, Biggie, Big Pun and Big L are all just chillin in Miami? And does the "Big" theme not suggest that they did indeed pack on a few pounds? How extraordinary!

I guess there really is no heaven for a G.

"Cooler" isn't the word I [me] would use

Mike Posner is feeling really insecure right about now:

I used up all of my tricks, I hope that you like this

But you probably think that you're cooler than me

You got designer shades to hide your face and

You wear 'em around like you're cooler than me

And you never say "hey" or remember my name

It's probably 'cause you think you're cooler than me

Do I think I'm cooler than you, Mike? No.*

Do I think I better understand when to use the objective vs. subjective pronoun case? Most certainly.

*Mike Posner has a record deal, and I am writing about grammar in his hit song. He is unquestionably cooler than I AM.

Clarification: Lil Wayne Is Not Gay For Himself

He's so sweet, make her wanna lick the (w)rapper
-Lil Wayne in this delightful remix of "Lollipop"

In what may be one of the most beautiful double entrendres in the history of pop rap (or "prap" as perennial phrase-coiner Zoe calls it), Lil Wayne constructs a witty adulation of his own sexual appeal. Of course, it is a surprise to no one that the "he" of which he speaks is, indeed, himself -- undeniably, the sweetest of all rappers. But, in this day and age of rampant homosexuality and ambiguous preferences, a true street thug must take care to caveat all compliments directed at a member of the same sex. Accordingly, if you listen closely, you'll hear Weezy throw in a quick "no homo" before complimenting himself. Good thing he made that clarification, because we all know: if a man compliments a man (even if it's himself), he's totes a homo.

Infinite Dualities

Either you with us, or you ain't with us

Either you in the huddle, or you out the huddle
Either you riding, or we passing, flying by saying, "Fuck you."
-4 My Town (Play Ball), Birdman

Either Birdman wrote this song, or he didn't write this song.
Either Birdman sees both sides of every situation, or he doesn't see the obviousness of his statements.
Either we didn't know about the phenomenon of opposites, or we did know. (And if we didn't, then we sure do now).

Gucci Mane's Troubling Observations Concerning the U.S. Justice System

Gucci Mane released his mixtape The Burrprint 3 shortly before serving a 6 month stint in prison for probation and drug violations. On his song Flexin, Gucci touches on a growing concern among the American public: the correlation between our socioeconomic disparities and the resulting legal rulings. Gucci adamantly delivers his rhymes:

Shawty I'm flexing in the courtroom

Burning dro

Give a fuck about the judge

What you think my money for?

Here Gucci acknowledges his financial privilege and expresses how his wealth allows him to live with a carefree attitude, even smoking marijuana during his trial. He tells a story that we've heard time and time again: a likely guilty defendant escapes punishment with the magic of money. This leaves us thinking about the less fortunate who stumble into trouble with the law, are unable to bribe or pay for legal services, and are sentenced to whatever ruling the judge sees fit. I commend Gucci for raising such a taboo issue and indirectly paying homage to his poorer brethren. A change gonna come. BURR!

ICP is Miraculous

These days, the refined gentleman of Insane Clown Posse (yes, they still do exist) have turned their makeup-laden faces out towards the sky and the earth and realized "there's magic everywhere in this bitch." While there are many aspects of our universe the duo take note of in their new song "Miracles," perhaps the phenomenon they find most mystifying is magnetism, noting:

Water, fire, air, dirt

Fucking magnets - how do they work?

I, for one, am with ICP on this one. While regular magnets have long since been explained by science - of which explanations can be found on Wikipedia, HowStuffWorks.com, and even HowMagnetsWork.com - fucking magnets (and we're talking the verb "fucking" here) have received little to no attention. I would like to know how copulating magnets work: Do they have mating patterns? Do they care for their young? Are there male and female magnets? Can...can they mate with humans?

One thing is for sure, however: we can't trust those damned scientists to help us figure this out - and ICP agrees with me, singing:

I don't want to talk to a scientist

Ya'll motherfuckers lying and gettin' me pissed.

Hear, hear!

Those may not be the words you were looking for

So David Guetta and Akon walk into a club. And that's when it happens: They see her. Every girl there wants to be her. She's a diva, and they want to meet her.

Suddenly, Akon is overcome with emotion than renders him almost speechless:

I'm trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful

He waits a few beats. Perhaps he is composing a sonnet, or, like Luda, pondering the inadequacy of words to express the fullness of what his heart feels.

Then inspiration strikes:

Damn, you's a sexy bitch

A sexy bitch

Damn, you's a sexy bitch

Daaaamn, girl!

Oh.

Usher's Lesson in Rhyming

Honey got a booty like pow, pow, pow

Honey got some boobies like wow, oh, wow

Girl you know I'm lovin' your, lovin' your style

Check-check-check-check-check checkin' you out

-Usher, OMG

I'm going to ignore the pow pow pow booty line because it's too easy. (And because I don't know what it means.)

No, I'm most impressed that Usher just successfully rhymed "wow," "pow," and "out" with "style." I mean, listen to it - it's seamless!

Not that anyone was confused about that line

Christina Aguilera explains her extremely abstruse lyric, "I'm kissing all the boys and the girls":

"I don't get to kiss all the girls and the boys, but my husband knows that I get into girls... I don't think I could ever really be with a woman because that's a lot of…what do you call it? Guys have testosterone, girls have [estrogen]."

Christina, remember when you first entered the music scene and everyone compared you to Britney and you could pretty much say anything you wanted and still be known as the smart one?

You don't have that luxury anymore.

Sean Kingston Competes with Stephenie Meyer for the Stating the Obvious Award

She's indecisive

She can't decide

This opening line to Eenie Meenie is almost as good as my favorite line from Twilight:

"I quickly rubbed my hand across my cheek, and sure enough, traitor tears were there, betraying me."

Ludacris Meditates on the Limitations of Language

Ludacris, modern day T.S. Eliot, contemplates the ineffability of his chick's badness:

My chick bad

Badder than yours

My chick do stuff

That I can't even put in words

- My Chick Bad

"Say Ahh" as Haiku

I make you say "ahh"

Just like I'm your doc-tah. All

I prescribe is cran-

(-berry and vodka.)

- Trey Songz/Fabolous, Say Ahh

Ethan's response:

I like reading it as one would a haiku. Suddenly, it has all kinds of depth and inner meaning. Is the poet making a subtle reference to the epidemic of self-prescription in the medical community? By likening himself to the listener's physician, is the speaker expressing a detailed fascination with and study of the listener?

And what if my answer is yes?

Have you ever made love

In a club

To a thug

With his sights on

87 jeans

And a fresh pair of Nikes on?

- Usher/Young Jeezy Love in This Club

Every time I hear this line, I wonder what Usher's reaction would be if someone answered his question affirmatively.

(My real answer, though, is no, of course. Never with his sights on.)

And all this time, I thought that was just part of being an adult

Baby, you the whole package

Plus you pay your taxes

-B.o.B. Nothin' on You

I had always assumed tax payment is included in the whole package. But now, I am feeling pretttttty good about my standing in the dating market.

B.o.B., you should check out my financial statements. Bills paid on time AND I own a car! Where's my song?

How I Think It Went Down

Britney - It's Me Against the Music

"Hi, Mis- Hi, Miss Spears? Yes, yes, this is your assistant, Jeff. Ah, no, that’s the other Jeff. No, this is Jeff ‘the Jeffster,’ not ‘J-Man’ Jeff. Yes, I- yes. So, I really hate to bring this up... um, but I was looking at your lyrics, and- yes, yes, the ones you sent me at 4 AM this morning for proofing. Yes- no, no, don’t worry, I’m actually usually up then anyway... so, yes, I was looking through them, and first, oh man, they’re great. They’re totally great. But, ah, so, the one thing that is a little bit off is, it should be 'It is I against the music.' No, no, I hear you, and I totally understand where you were coming from. I know you wrote 'me against the music,' but you know, you’re the subject in this sentence so... um... yes… ye-es… well, no. See, I mean, yes, I know, Miss Spears; 'me against the music' does- yes, I agree, it does have a nice ring to- no, I know, I know it's art, but I just- well, no; well, I mean, ‘is’ requires a subject, taking the nominative case, so… well I don’t- I don’t know… Yes, ok. Yes, I see."

Also: plastic tie and shirt-less collar? Really?